The Abdication of Her

Completed: 2023

Materials: Mixed media on 10oz double primed cotton canvas, finished with gloss varnish & float framed in Tasmanian oak (ready to hang).

Size: 53x63cms (including frame) & 5.5cm deep

About:

When I decided, very last minute, to participate in the Camera Queens second annual photography exhibition "Magic in the Mundane", it was from a place of extreme discomfort. 

I was so uncomfortable with the idea of not fitting in to a primarily photography focused exhibition with my art piece, but I was so uncomfortable with the idea of missing out on participating.  I was uncomfortable with the theme, which felt so far out of my usual abstract subject matters that I was grossly overthinking it.  I was uncomfortable with submitting anything less than a perfect representation of the highest level of my skill & so in all my discomfort, I decided to enter with a self-portrait.

Over the course of a few days my portrait was emerging & though it was really good, I could feel in my heart, it was coming from that place of discomfort, of imposter syndrome - that place where I try too hard to meet imagined expectations.  It’s a place of needing control, a place where I do not honour myself, you know, in case I’m not “good enough” to fit in, or be respected for what I do.

As my portrait progressed, so too did a little experiment. 

As a full-time artist, I have many pieces in my studio that exist purely because I have paint to use up or concepts that are not yet fully realised.  These little “experiments” as I call them, are like palette cleansers for my energy, they exist in the in-between.  They keep me in a flow state but break the hard concentration or pressures I put on myself when creating my main work. Whilst creating my self-portrait for the exhibit, I had one of these little experiments going on the side. 

It was indeed a mundane experiment.  I was taking my left-over portrait paint and applying it to a wood panel, hundreds of little dots of paint, dot, dot, dot, not exercising any significant impressive skills dot, dot, dot, definitely not worthy of exhibition, dot, dot, dot.  But more and more I found myself detaching from my portrait and drawn to working on my experiment, dot, dot, dot and as mundane as it was, dot, dot, dot, I could feel that excitement building, dot, dot, dot, the excitement I get when I see something emerging, dot, dot, dot.

Slowly but surely, it began looking like…confetti.  It looked like a party, a celebration….it was more like me, what I feel in my heart, what my art usually feels like, it was sparkly, joyful, this mundane little experiment looked magical AF.

I immediately painted over the self-portrait and started re-creating my experiment for the exhibit.

You might wonder why I didn’t start on a fresh canvas; the portrait was good; I had already sunk so much time into it and could have definitely finished it even if not for the exhibit.  Honestly, it just felt so radical and liberating to consider what I do to feel good enough, the discomfort I endure to “fit in” and say, nah, fk that, I’m not doing that anymore. 

Rest assured, hiding deep below the sparkly surface, the girl desperate to be good enough, the girl who tries too hard to fit in... she’ll always be under there somewhere.

This work depicts 100's & 1000's of individually painted, multicoloured, circles, dots & markings.  Accented with various glitters, gold foil stars, reflective silver discs, gold & irredescent studs, the painting has moderate texture.